Relationships Keep Us Healthy

By Ron Stubbs

 

Strong, positive relationships with friends and family certainly make life more pleasant. But study after study has shown that good relationships also keep us healthy. Unfortunately, today's fast-paced lifestyles work against good relationships.

To the rescue: After years of research, scientists have identified eight distinct skills that are needed to create and maintain strong relationships...

DECIPHERING THOUGHTS If you fail to understand what you're thinking and feeling, you are apt to behave in ways that hurt others. You're not likely to get what you want, either.

Essential: Learn to pay attention to your inner life. Carry a small notebook for a few days, and use it to keep a log of daily events -- and your reactions to them. Jot down bodily sensations... your emotions... and any words that run through your mind.

EVALUATING NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

Too often, we respond automatically to annoyances by shouting, withdrawing, etc. To learn more effective ways of responding, practice asking yourself four fundamental questions...
• Is this situation important? In many instances, merely asking yourself this question enables you to "let go" of anger.
• Are my thoughts and feelings appropriate? You have a right to your reaction, but it may not be in your interest to act on it.
• Can this situation be changed? Life is filled with negative circumstances we're powerless to change. Of course, some circumstances do lie within our control. It's crucial to be able to distinguish one from the other.
• Would taking action really be worthwhile? Standing up to a nasty boss might make you feel better. But are you willing to risk losing your job?

ACHIEVING ACCEPTANCE

If the answer to any of the above questions is "no," look for ways to live with the status quo.

These strategies are especially helpful...
• Reason with yourself. If you're upset by the actions of another person, don't assume that you know why he behaved that way. Instead, come up with alternative theories that might explain his behavior.
• Self Hypnosis... Calm yourself by focusing on your breathing. Silently repeat a soothing sound such as "peace" as you do.

SOLVING PROBLEMS

If you answer "yes" to all four of the fundamental questions, it's time to take action.

Use this problem-solving flow chart...
• Define the problem. Consider the facts as objectively as possible. Decide which aspects of the situation you'd like to change.
• Brainstorm ways to react. Think of three or four realistic alternatives.
• Make a decision. Consider the positive and negative consequences of each action. Pick the one that's likely to have the biggest payoff. If the action you try fails to produce the desired outcome, repeat the chart... and try again.

BEING ASSERTIVE

Strong relationships involve a balance of giving and getting. If someone with whom you have a relationship does something that bothers you, you must be willing to speak up.

Here's how to proceed...
• Describe the bothersome behavior. Be objective, not judgmental. "The first thing you did when you came home was to criticize me for being messy."
• Explain how you feel. "Right now I'm feeling hurt, angry and upset."
• State your request. "When you come home, I'd like your first comment to be affectionate -- not critical."

Another part of assertiveness is learning to say "no." While it's fine to add "I'm sorry" or "I know how important this is to you," avoid complicated excuses.

IMPROVING COMMUNICATION

Real listening is rare. Most of us think we're listening when we're really just waiting for the other person to finish talking.

Using these simple techniques, most people can dramatically transform their conversations -- and their relationships...
• Don't interrupt. Say nothing until the other person has finished speaking. Most people who try this for just one day are amazed to discover just how often they interrupt others.
• Look interested. Use attentive body language. Uncross your arms, lean forward and make eye contact.
• Reflect back what you heard. Restate the points or emotions the speaker just expressed.
• Be willing to be changed by what you hear. Be open-minded. Don't pass judgment until you know all the facts.
• How you speak is as important as how you listen. Saying "I like," "I feel," etc., is less likely to cause offense than telling the way things "are" or what's "wrong" with the other person.

BEING EMPATHETIC

To hone your empathy skills, think of an annoying habit of someone you're close to. Imagine you are that person, and describe his position using "I statements."

EMPHASIZING THE POSITIVE

Being positive doesn't necessarily mean being Pollyanna-ish. It can save relationships.

Recently, University of Washington psychologist John Gottman, PhD, taped interactions between newlyweds.

His findings: Marriages with at least five positive interactions for every one negative contact were most likely to last. In addition to strengthening your relationships, this skill can boost your happiness. The happiest people aren't those who feel the most intense joy or excitement... but those who have mostly positive feelings all day long.