RON STUBBS 

MAKE LOVE, NOT WAR

Insight: Recognize that things you have been doing haven't been working.

Change: Stop doing the wrong things... and start doing what creates good feelings.

This sounds simple -- and it is. But many couples keep nagging, criticizing, shouting -- even while recognizing that those behaviors only make things worse. It takes only one person to break the vicious cycle of hurt. Here are a few strategies to improve any relationship...

Remember the Good Times: To stay motivated through tough times, think back to first time you saw your partner. What first attracted you to them? Now -- look to see those qualities in your partner. The more you pay attention to glimmers of positive feelings, the more positive feelings you will have.

Compliment Generously: We feel closest to people who make us feel good about ourselves. If you say and do things that build up your partner -- and avoid things that make him/her feel worse -- your relationship will improve. Of course, when your relationship is stressed, complimenting your partner may be the last thing you feel like doing. It's much easier to think of all the things he/she is doing wrong. Remember: People don't change because they're criticized. They change when warmth and goodwill motivate them to please their partner... or to make their partners happier. Train yourself to notice the things you admire about your partner-- no matter how small. Then tell them!.

If this still seems difficult, think about how parents behave. They may be frustrated or disappointed with their kids -- but they still find ways to acknowledge their good qualities. Adults need this as much as children. Don't fake admiration. Compliment your partner on things you admire. Examples: “I was really impressed with the way you negotiated our car deal... "That was a delicious meal -- you're a great cook.”

Warm Your Partner's Heart: Early in your relationship, you probably made a point of learning what actions made your partner feel cared for -- and you did them. When a relationship is under stress, partners stop making these loving gestures... and resentment grows. Look for opportunities to do special things for your partner. Examples:Make your partner a morning cup of tea... offer to watch the kids so your partner can spend an evening with friends.

Praise the Small Things: Your partner may take a while to notice that you're acting differently -- and even longer to respond with loving gestures of their own. Be patient. Try to notice any small steps in the right direction. Praising these improvements will encourage your partner to continue making them. Example: A wife was upset that her husband was always late for dinner. As she made changes to make the relationship more affectionate, he continued to come home late -- but started calling to tell her. She thanked him when he called ahead, resisting the urge to add,"I wish you would come home on time." Within a few weeks, he began to arrive at dinnertime.

Don't Put Off Sex: Many couples avoid sex when they are having relationship problems because they feel emotionally distant. Yet sex can help couples feel closer. If you're not in the mood, make love anyway. Don't think of it as something you are doing for the relationship... but as something that will make you feel good AND maybe you like me, can't recall a single time when you even remotely FELT like arguing when you were *********;'nuff said?

It's Positive Communication All this talk about positive communication doesn't mean that you should bury what bothers you, but instead, make sure that you express complaints in a constructive way. Raise your complaint when you are not feeling angry about it. This will help you keep your tone calm -- and prevent a nasty fight. Start with something positive. Your partner is more likely to listen if you acknowledge what they are doing right.

Keep It Short Don't say more than a sentence or two before giving your partner a chance to respond. If you spend a lot of time detailing your point of view, your partner is likely to feel that you are lecturing -- and will stop listening.

Don't Use Past to Condemn the Future Your partner will feel that they can never stop paying for what went wrong in the past. Keep examples current.

Avoid alarm buttons Words like "abusive" are overused -- and offensive. So are psychological interpretations such as, "You're overreacting because your mother is so controlling."

Listen nondefensively Instead of rebutting what your partner says, search for some small part with which you agree. Example: Your partner says,“The minute you walk in the house, you're grumpy. All you do is criticize me.” Ineffective response:“That's not true. Two days ago, I sat down and had a drink with you. Don't you remember?” Better: “I do feel tense when I come home.”

Nondefensive listening stops an argument quickly... so you can work on a solution together.

And remember, It's not Magic, but Magic CAN happen!

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