RON STUBBS 

Ignoring the Cycle of Effective Communication

(an excerpt from the BRAND New Book by Ron Stubbs and Kevin Hogan!! In stores Spring 2003)

Men think different than women and vice versa.

It's that whole Mars/Venus thing. Any man who has ever tried to figure out what women really want knows this to be true. It seems to most men that women make the rules and every time men get close to understanding those rules; the rules get changed. Any woman that has tried to understand why men never seem to grow up past the little boy stage also know this to be true. Women understand that for a man to be excited about something, it has to be loud, fast and red. Just like those little toy cars that we guys used to push around the floor going Varoooooooom. Men just get bigger, louder, more expensive toys as we grow older.

Day after day, men and women interact with each other socially, professionally, and intimately and sometime during that day many have walked away, shaking their heads, trying to decipher exactly what the other party just said or what went wrong in the conversation between them. Exactly what happened? And how DID it happen?

It happened because very few of us recognize and understand the cycle of communication between men and women. We may share the same language together, but definitely not the same communication patterns. Sometimes, even when we do understand these patterns, we ignore them. Most psychotherapists agree that if people communicated better, there would be fewer emotional and psychological problems. Most people try to be interesting when they should be interested. I've spent countless hours researching what works in communication. I've read books, listened to lectures, poured over research material, interviewed people involved in successful relationships, done my homework and have found one thing that happens consistently.

No matter how much we learn; we still have to practice what we preach.

Just this morning I was working on a project with my youngest daughter. We were engrossed in attempting to fit together 5000 pieces of a puzzle. My wife came in where we were working; excited about something she had read that she wanted to share with me.

Now, if you have ever tried to put together one of those type puzzles, you know 5000 pieces is ALOT lot of pieces.

My dear wife was explaining this new theory and concept that she had just read as I was searching the table, trying to find pieces the puzzle, attempting in vain to fit them together and listening to her. Only I wasn't listening 100%. Probably not even 50%. It wasn't fair to my wife to shut her out like that and I knew it was wrong, but somehow, beyond my immediate comprehension, my brain, muddled and overwhelmed by the sight of 5000 puzzle pieces, still did it. Why? Funny, that was the same thing she asked me….

One of the reasons people fail in communicating with each other is they fail to fully understand what the other party wants before they try to be understood. Just as in the example of the puzzle above, I failed to understand the importance of what my wife was attempting to tell me and by the time I did, it was too late to repair the damage that had been done. The cycle of being ignored - Anger, Rejection, Hurt feelings had set in and I never have found out what was so important that she had to tell me.

Hearing someone instead of listening to them and failing to understand what is being said before trying to make your point are both conversation/relationship killers. A good way to avoid this is directly focusing on the person speaking, setting aside whatever you are doing and listening. Giving that person all your attention, making them the most important star in the universe for as long as they are speaking. Then after they are through speaking; paraphrasing what they have said to make sure that their point has been fully understood by you.

Example:

"I read this interesting article that said the cycles of the moon can effect our behaviors"

"Really, let me put this puzzle piece down and tell me about it. There we go. So, it said that the moon could really control our mood and behavior"?

In this day and age, the term "multi-tasking" or "doing 10 things at once" has become our nations buzzword for the decade. In reality, it's simply impossible to do.

The human mind isn't capable of holding two thoughts simultaneously, and becomes disoriented, disassociating from each of them. Because our minds process information so fast; (some research has shown speeds of over one million bytes of information per second) it's easy to think we can do many things at once, such as listen to your wife while putting together a puzzle. The reality is while we can do many things; we do many things one at a time.

Take a lesson from me; undivided attention is the only way to harmony in relationships. By making others feel special, they will realize how special you are.

Can you read someone else's mind? I can't and probably neither can you. Most of us weren't born gifted with this psychic ability. Then why do we expect our partners and spouses to do this, then become upset and angry with them when they can't perform this amazing feat either?

Another large piece in the communication puzzle is not asking for what you want.

Even more dangerous to a relationship is not asking for what you want and expecting the other person to "know" anyway.

If I had a dollar for every person that has come into my therapy office and told me that if only their wife, husband, kids, parents; would have just told them what they needed from them, they might still of had a relationship with them; I would be a rich man right now.

We are taught from childhood that it's wrong to ask for what we want. Most parents, at one time or another, upon entering a store have looked their children in the eye and told them," Don't even think about asking for something. The answer is NO!". As it's reinforced over time, that embedded command sticks with us through childhood and into adulthood. Those commands not to ask for anything don't have to be verbal but can be non-verbal as well.

Here's an example:

Our parents take us to a friend's house and there is a candy bowl sitting on the coffee table, overflowing with mouth-watering delights. We want a piece of candy from that bowl. We begin to ask for what we desire, the candy, and get that "look" from our mother that we all to well know the meaning of.

We become certain that there must be a conspiracy between parents of small children to place mouth-watering bowls of candy on coffee tables just to get little kids into trouble.

Mom gave us that "look" because she didn't want our sticky little kid fingerprints all over her best friend's freshly polished coffee table, not because she was part of a parental conspiracy.

But because of the fact we all had the same basic model of mom, many of us can't and don't ask for what we desire. Oh, we might drop "hints"; "Wow, that would really look nice on me and it's on sale too!" We leave magazines open to a certain page, circled in red ink to show what we want, in hopes that our spouses "read" our minds and then we become very frustrated when they don't. They must not love us anymore, the magic has left the relationship we think, when all that has really taken place is our spouses, our partners are not superhuman beings with mind-reading capabilities. They are simply normal!

Instead of going through all the drama of mind reading, wouldn't it be much easier to express exactly what we want in the first place. You would think so, but actually doing it is another thing. We could be rejected, judged or criticized. Our spouses, friends and partners could think we are weird or perverted if we stated our desires or our ideas. How do we talk about sex with our spouse or significant other? How do we talk about religion with the relatives? How do we talk politics with our friends? How do we communicate with those we love in an honest way and STILL keep the relationship intact? It isn't easy but it can be done.

We must first establish a safe place of the sharing of ideas.

One way is to allow your partner to share their ideas with you without fear of being judged, criticized or rejected. They must know that whatever they tell you will be heard honestly and discussed as possibility. This doesn't mean that they have to receive everything they ask for nor will you either but each will gain a forum for a free exchange of ideas without fear of reprisal.If your partner or significant other feels safe sharing their innermost thoughts and desires it allows a doorway to be opened for you to share yours. It creates a Win/Win situation for communication.

Create a safe environment for desires.

Plant the seeds of possibility.Water them by asking for what you want.

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